I’m caught in an crippling paradox. Whenever I drink and party I feel as if my life is draining away. I know that if I were to stop, I could achieve so much through my academics and career. A sober mind can get you far through concentration, focus, and determination. On the other hand, now that I have been sober for the past two weeks, I feel as if numb to my surroundings. To respect my mind and keep it healthy is important, but the social aspect of drinking is what brings me joy as well. Am I a failure in that I can’t achieve social success without alcohol? Am I judging myself too harshly considering that I am still young and expected to go through these phases? Overall, I have come to realize that I am never happy in any scenario for too long. I am too fickle, and that is something I will need to work on. If I can’t picture myself happy in either case for the long-run, this is what leaves me afraid. What will life be like in a few years when my career will be the only thing on my mind? When all those I have come to know move back to whereabouts the world they once came, I will be left alone once more to build my life from scratch – start a new chapter – once again similar to what I had to go through three years prior. Soon I will be moving out into my first single apartment, taking that first step toward true independence. Am I truly ready for this? Can anyone really ever be? The future is so uncertain. Yet I suppose I am over-analyzing things, freaking myself out. Perhaps this is also the result of being overly devoid of alcohol. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t (drink that is). Or maybe this entire complex is all just a part of the process of growing up.

Actually, I don’t know what I actually think or feel. As always this entry has been another roundabout rant with me spewing out a flow of consciousness. “Mental vomit” some would deem it. Nonetheless, it helps solidifying in words what chaotic anxiety my mind does conjure.