A shift in my frame of mind
All I really want
is to live my life
not always desiring more than what I already have.
Been living in misery
I don’t know why I’ve delayed so long in writing this. Maybe I just got too swept up in the maelstrom. Since last I wrote, I ended up moving into a new apartment at 3333 Broadway. At first I thought it would be a dream. I was promised all new appliances, a high-rise view over the Hudson, and a studio all to myself. My naivety placed my expectations on a pedestal set too high. It should have known it would inevitably come crashing down in every imaginable direction.
The problems began before I even moved in. I had put in an application for the building I’m currently living but got rejected due to incompetence. I heard no response from the rental office until my lease had already ended at my last apartment. They called me back a few weeks later, however, proclaiming their apologies and offered me another unit with a beautiful view. I should have known and heeded the red flag so apparent in front of me. Sadly, I ignored it and decided to give this building a second chance.
Let me now begin to list all the things that have gone wrong since then. It’s almost laughable and surreal how many things have gone wrong in my life since I signed myself into misery.
I wonder what else could possibly go wrong. Imagine the possibilities: hurricane, muggings, rats, murders, elevators crashing, flooding, explosions, fires. Should I start taking bets and make a game of it?
Overall, I’m so disappointed at myself for wanting to live here so intently at first. I pay more than my neighbors; I put down an extremely steep deposit; and I bent over backwards to make this all work. And for what? Nothing. Everything blew up in my face. I feel like such a failure. So destroyed emotionally. New York housing is truly the worst. I don’t know how I always find myself in terrible situations. Is it the city? Is it rotten luck? Whatever it is. It needs to stop. I’m just not sure how much more I could stand to bear.
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