Expensive October

Omg I’ve wasted so much money on splurging myself this month:

– Clothes $300ish
– New Phone? $350
– New York trip $300 + 500 on miscellaneous living expenses
+ $1,500ish ?!

Oh lord. I guess the cash outflow had to go somewhere since I stopped buying alcohol.

Sunrise soon

What happened to staying up and partying all night? Just realized I haven’t done that since high school, well actually, since Shanghai. It’s a good thing those days are behind me, but being up this late for no apparent reason has got me thinking about these types of things.

I suppose the main thing I miss about these hours of the day are the the sunrises. Contrary to dusk, I like what a sunrise represents. Your day is about to begin. You’re on the verge of something new, and what will come is unexpected but exciting. You take a breath and feel reinvigorated. Sit, look, and listen to the silence around you and you feel as if you can conquer the world. Anyone who can take up the challenge of experiencing this with me – I respect.

Heidi Klum’s Stylist

I hate her style! I don’t care what people say…she always picks out the most bland or awkward clothes for her body. What a shame.

…

…..oh and by the way, Happy Birthday to Me.
Siiiiigh 24 years old and still so unaccomplished.

Yelp Helps Event

Taken at a Yelp Elite event. So hung over after that night.

Unachievable because I wrote about it

All I want for my birthday is to…

• go to Battlestar Galactica exhibition

• go to a haunted house

• enjoy at least one restaurant for restaurant week

It’s all really so simple, but because my words never manifest into reality. I’m pretty much doomed. Should just stay home and bathe in my own misery. Sigh.

So I’m feeling a little ashamed

I got chewed out from my mom today for not calling as much or being really rude on the phone. Although I literally call every week, it seems this isn’t enough. Or maybe it was the way in which I have spoken to both my parents over these past few months. My tone is what has gotten, not only her, but everyone around me on edge.

I feel like, lately, I am becoming a real asshole. The way I speak to people in a condescending tone, the way I always have to correct others when they’re wrong – people are beginning to associate negativity toward me, and as a result, are repelled. This is definitely that what I’m aiming for, and I even acknowledge that I have been pretty ‘ass-holey’ for a while now. What brought this change in me? I don’t know. I think assholes are synonymous with leaders in business (like Ari from Entourage). Since I’ve been so career-minded lately, how could I have not transformed into such a person? Unfortunately, this is all like the chicken and egg dilemma where I’m becoming harsher because the world is harsher, but if I’m not harsher, the world will only swallow me up. What would you do if you were in my position?

Should I even begin to change at this point? Why should I reduce myself to being weak? Maybe people in Seattle are just too nice, and I’m the one who is growing too old for this place. Or maybe I’m just disillusioned. For a fact, I realize and acknowledge that I behave this way because I’m afraid of being hurt by others. It’s even more pitiful how I have trained myself to believe that I’m better off hurting others first. The question is should I even bother to change…

…Sure. Who likes associating with an asshole? Even in tougher cities, perhaps you should be renowned for your kindness rather than your prowess. I will try and tone it down slightly. For sure: be a lot nicer to my parents – for consistency: be a bit more tolerant of my friends.

Another winter inspiration

Andrew Garfield in London. So simple, but so well-put. I want to get myself a tweed jacket and a nicer pair of chocolate wingtips.

Repercussions

Tonight I’ve grown more able to separate those who I actually care about to those I merely associate with.

Winter is here (in my mind)

• chunky scarf
• trench coat
• boots
• leather backpack

Hmph.

Do I intentionally push others away with my personality?
At least I have the balls to realize and address it.