Yesterday I went to Macaroni Grill in Alderwood, and as walked to my seat I passed by a familiar face. I had to do a double-take before I actually realized that it was the bush baby from American Idol: Kenneth Briggs! Apparently now he works as a waiter at Macaroni Grill. We asked our waitress, “Hey…did one of the waiters here audition for American Idol?” Then she replied, “Yes. Do you know which one?” “Yeah. We know. We know.” There didn’t need to be further elaboration so we both laughed and continued our business, but we just had to keep staring at him the entire night because it was just so awesome! Haha!

I’m caught in an crippling paradox. Whenever I drink and party I feel as if my life is draining away. I know that if I were to stop, I could achieve so much through my academics and career. A sober mind can get you far through concentration, focus, and determination. On the other hand, now that I have been sober for the past two weeks, I feel as if numb to my surroundings. To respect my mind and keep it healthy is important, but the social aspect of drinking is what brings me joy as well. Am I a failure in that I can’t achieve social success without alcohol? Am I judging myself too harshly considering that I am still young and expected to go through these phases? Overall, I have come to realize that I am never happy in any scenario for too long. I am too fickle, and that is something I will need to work on. If I can’t picture myself happy in either case for the long-run, this is what leaves me afraid. What will life be like in a few years when my career will be the only thing on my mind? When all those I have come to know move back to whereabouts the world they once came, I will be left alone once more to build my life from scratch – start a new chapter – once again similar to what I had to go through three years prior. Soon I will be moving out into my first single apartment, taking that first step toward true independence. Am I truly ready for this? Can anyone really ever be? The future is so uncertain. Yet I suppose I am over-analyzing things, freaking myself out. Perhaps this is also the result of being overly devoid of alcohol. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t (drink that is). Or maybe this entire complex is all just a part of the process of growing up.

Actually, I don’t know what I actually think or feel. As always this entry has been another roundabout rant with me spewing out a flow of consciousness. “Mental vomit” some would deem it. Nonetheless, it helps solidifying in words what chaotic anxiety my mind does conjure.

Per request of my mother, I have finally taken pictures of my apartment although it’s been nearly a year since I’ve lived here and might potentially be moving out in the coming months. Nonetheless, please enjoy!

Step inside

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…Polish construction workers are putting up black paper across my window…

and no this is not a poem or metaphor!

I haven’t watched a ‘feel-good’ Korean drama for a while, and I think it’s about time to sit back and watch one for good measure. I actually just need to put some more relaxation back in my schedule; although, I have been doing a better job of incorporating some of it back. But there is still a long ways to go to get back on track with a sane and easier lifestyle I once had.

On a side note:
I saw the Dalai Lama yesterday.

The UW conferred upon him the degree of humane letters. Then he received a ceremonial robe of purple and gold to commemorate the occasion. Haha silly. People joked how we needed to get him out of his old USC colors and looked way better in ours. Silly.

There were hundreds of protesters outside. Peaceful of course. They were protesting the recent turmoil of Chinese and Tibetan relations as well as Western media’s alleged skewing of images toward anti-Chinese sentiment. You can look it all up and form your own opinion on the issue, but I’m just glad that the Dalai Lama’s speech was not focused on politics in any way rather focusing on how humans as a mass society can become more compassionate.

His personality? He likes to crack jokes and humbly tells the truth. When confronted with a difficult question, instead of b.s.ing some answer, he simply stated, “I don’t know.” Haha. That caught us all off guard, expecting some type of eloquent response from someone as esteemed as him. But he ‘kept it real’ and I like that. Overall, I’m glad I had the opportunity to attend this convocation.

I look so f’d up recently.
I haven’t been able to do my laundry because of a busy schedule,
the construction workers outside my apartment limit me from movement in my own room,
I’ve been coming home really late so I’m too lazy to wash my face,
my eating schedule is off because of appointments and errands,
and the guy who cut my hair made it really, really short.

I suppose all of this will heal in time, but in the meanwhile, I think my subconscious will beat me down and make me feel inferior to all. Overall, if you are feeling like you are having a bad day, I give you permission to stand next to me so you can feel better about yourself.

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