思念是一种病。 Actually I don’t feel that extreme about it, but I really do miss Shanghai even after all of its drama llama. Miss the location and events, not necessarily the people.

I fear falling into the mundane.
How do I find fulfillment in life without school to rely on?

I know what I want in life, but to pursue it would be illogical.
Where does the line between earning the means to survive
and spiritual well-being get drawn?

At the end of the day, I really don’t want to become just
another puzzle piece in the homogeneity of society
calling me to do what is expected of me to do from here.

Another pet peeve realized:
I hate it when people assume they know all about me just from observation.

urgh. 难堪的话

Sometimes people who totally hate on American culture really annoy me.

For example,

I’m watching a trashy reality show, and someone comments on how in Asia they would never do that because so wildly. They’d be more sophisticated about it, and just talk behind each others backs. Ummm…isn’t that all based on perception? On this side of the pond, we’d observe that as being weak. I’m not saying either side is more effective, but I’m just tired of people just blaming everything negative in the world on Americans. The fact that you are even bashing on America is just proving your ethnocentrism and making your own culture look bad.

C’mon. If we were so ill-fitting to your society, why do you seek to emulate us? Everything has some basis on American culture, and admittedly, we have some from elsewhere as well. You say we talk a lot of trash and are pig-headed? Observe yourself and see that your culture does the same thing – spreads the same amount of slander, spreads an equal degree of smut. It’s just that we’re one of the richest and one you look to the most, so yeah the biggest is going to attract the brashest remarks. If you didn’t like this country so much, I’d suggest you expatriate and never return. Thanks, save us some time. So annoying – whining about the country of your origin so much. I think everyone should open their mind up to actually realizing that everyone’s not as bad as they may appear, and in actuality despite our cultural differences, we all behave the same way.

I KNOW: Plenty of fallacies in this ranting, but I’ll reaffirm it nonetheless. Actually this entry is directed to one person in particular, so maybe I shouldn’t be generalizing entire cultures, but…no I should. Because I know it’s true.

Today was my last day of undergrad classes, and it feels kind of surreal. In high school, the whole school environment was hyped up and the classes were lax, knowing that soon we’ll all be on our way and off to our respective colleges. Today, on the other hand, was just like any other day. Sitting in the last days of class and nonchalantly going about our business as if nothing out of the ordinary was going to be happening a few days later. But now that I’m sitting and pondering the events of the day, I realize that…it’s over. Finally.

I have never worked so hard in my life to get to where I am today. Does this sentence even make sense? Well you know what I mean. High school was tough. College was tougher, and life from this point will be far from anything easier. I’m just shocked at how far I have come. I am also scared about the realization of having to move on from school and discover what’s next in my life. I do not have a job lined up. I don’t have any plans aside from staying in Seattle and beginning the hunt. I have never had such little direction in my life as I do at this moment. It’s very, very frightening. But I know I will survive.

On another note, I attended two award ceremonies tonight in recognition of my ASUW job as the Asian Student Commissioner and the Yellow Rose Ceremony for AKPsi. First off, I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed that I was not recognized at all for my work as a commission director. I know that experience is the true reward and try to reaffirm this to myself, though I cannot help but feel as if my work went unrecognized – or – perhaps it wasn’t good enough in comparison to my peers? Either way, winning something here would have meant a lot to me, but since I haven’t, I won’t try and beat myself up over what I cannot change. I will just have to work harder in the future or at least reach farther beyond what I believed my limits were.

As for AKPsi, I ended up winning ‘Member of the Year’ which I am really proud of. The members saw that I was committed in everything that I do. They recognized the hard work I put not only into the fraternity, but also throughout my community. So, I am grateful and happy for this. At least some of the toils and hard work paid off in this form.

Though I must admit that it makes me uncomfortable to read back at this in retrospect. I think to myself, “Am I so shallow for wanting material objects to quantity the value in my actions?” Is that something really necessary in the quality of my person? I hope not. I tell myself that it isn’t. Though having that recognition at the end of the day sure as heck wouldn’t hurt.