Sunrise soon

What happened to staying up and partying all night? Just realized I haven’t done that since high school, well actually, since Shanghai. It’s a good thing those days are behind me, but being up this late for no apparent reason has got me thinking about these types of things.

I suppose the main thing I miss about these hours of the day are the the sunrises. Contrary to dusk, I like what a sunrise represents. Your day is about to begin. You’re on the verge of something new, and what will come is unexpected but exciting. You take a breath and feel reinvigorated. Sit, look, and listen to the silence around you and you feel as if you can conquer the world. Anyone who can take up the challenge of experiencing this with me – I respect.

Heidi Klum’s Stylist

I hate her style! I don’t care what people say…she always picks out the most bland or awkward clothes for her body. What a shame.

…

…..oh and by the way, Happy Birthday to Me.
Siiiiigh 24 years old and still so unaccomplished.

Yelp Helps Event

Taken at a Yelp Elite event. So hung over after that night.

Unachievable because I wrote about it

All I want for my birthday is to…

• go to Battlestar Galactica exhibition

• go to a haunted house

• enjoy at least one restaurant for restaurant week

It’s all really so simple, but because my words never manifest into reality. I’m pretty much doomed. Should just stay home and bathe in my own misery. Sigh.

So I’m feeling a little ashamed

I got chewed out from my mom today for not calling as much or being really rude on the phone. Although I literally call every week, it seems this isn’t enough. Or maybe it was the way in which I have spoken to both my parents over these past few months. My tone is what has gotten, not only her, but everyone around me on edge.

I feel like, lately, I am becoming a real asshole. The way I speak to people in a condescending tone, the way I always have to correct others when they’re wrong – people are beginning to associate negativity toward me, and as a result, are repelled. This is definitely that what I’m aiming for, and I even acknowledge that I have been pretty ‘ass-holey’ for a while now. What brought this change in me? I don’t know. I think assholes are synonymous with leaders in business (like Ari from Entourage). Since I’ve been so career-minded lately, how could I have not transformed into such a person? Unfortunately, this is all like the chicken and egg dilemma where I’m becoming harsher because the world is harsher, but if I’m not harsher, the world will only swallow me up. What would you do if you were in my position?

Should I even begin to change at this point? Why should I reduce myself to being weak? Maybe people in Seattle are just too nice, and I’m the one who is growing too old for this place. Or maybe I’m just disillusioned. For a fact, I realize and acknowledge that I behave this way because I’m afraid of being hurt by others. It’s even more pitiful how I have trained myself to believe that I’m better off hurting others first. The question is should I even bother to change…

…Sure. Who likes associating with an asshole? Even in tougher cities, perhaps you should be renowned for your kindness rather than your prowess. I will try and tone it down slightly. For sure: be a lot nicer to my parents – for consistency: be a bit more tolerant of my friends.

Another winter inspiration

Andrew Garfield in London. So simple, but so well-put. I want to get myself a tweed jacket and a nicer pair of chocolate wingtips.

Repercussions

Tonight I’ve grown more able to separate those who I actually care about to those I merely associate with.

Winter is here (in my mind)

• chunky scarf
• trench coat
• boots
• leather backpack

Hmph.

Do I intentionally push others away with my personality?
At least I have the balls to realize and address it.

Hermitage

Dang. I’m feeling a hermitage stage coming on again.

I haven’t been meeting any new people, and since quitting Yuen Lui, I have a lot more time of my hands. I guess now there’s more opportunity for me to sit and reflect, which can actually be a very dangerous thing. I wonder what I should do to occupy my time that does not, concurrently, lead to me wasting more money.

Perhaps I should dedicate time to no TV. I find that it melts my brain. Haha. Let’s take up to writing and reading instead. I guess that’s what prompted me to want to blog again today. I’ll take some of this downtime and make some beneficial changes in my life. On the other hand, I’m feeling a giant disconnect between me and my peers. I don’t really hang out and find myself on new adventures anymore. Everything seems a bit mundane. Invoke Stacie Orrico’s “More to Life” theme song here.

I suppose if I objectively view my life, it’s just filled with sporadic and small periods where I’m doing nothing. Those are the times that my mind goes crazy. But, c’mon, I’m going to New York in a few weeks. In a few weeks after that, I’m going back to Vegas for a few days. In a few weeks after that, I might be interviewing for a new job. Things are pretty exciting in my life…but, as all humans are, I yearn for more – to fill the voids which I find insufficient.

I’m looking for more social interaction! And I’m afraid that friends are either drifting away or have false intentions where I’m merely used and tossed aside. If it sucks now, I can only imagine how this situation might evolve when I’m living in another city. Scary, dismal circumstances. To live a life of adventure alone. That is a big fear of mine.