So I’m feeling a little ashamed

I got chewed out from my mom today for not calling as much or being really rude on the phone. Although I literally call every week, it seems this isn’t enough. Or maybe it was the way in which I have spoken to both my parents over these past few months. My tone is what has gotten, not only her, but everyone around me on edge.

I feel like, lately, I am becoming a real asshole. The way I speak to people in a condescending tone, the way I always have to correct others when they’re wrong – people are beginning to associate negativity toward me, and as a result, are repelled. This is definitely that what I’m aiming for, and I even acknowledge that I have been pretty ‘ass-holey’ for a while now. What brought this change in me? I don’t know. I think assholes are synonymous with leaders in business (like Ari from Entourage). Since I’ve been so career-minded lately, how could I have not transformed into such a person? Unfortunately, this is all like the chicken and egg dilemma where I’m becoming harsher because the world is harsher, but if I’m not harsher, the world will only swallow me up. What would you do if you were in my position?

Should I even begin to change at this point? Why should I reduce myself to being weak? Maybe people in Seattle are just too nice, and I’m the one who is growing too old for this place. Or maybe I’m just disillusioned. For a fact, I realize and acknowledge that I behave this way because I’m afraid of being hurt by others. It’s even more pitiful how I have trained myself to believe that I’m better off hurting others first. The question is should I even bother to change…

…Sure. Who likes associating with an asshole? Even in tougher cities, perhaps you should be renowned for your kindness rather than your prowess. I will try and tone it down slightly. For sure: be a lot nicer to my parents – for consistency: be a bit more tolerant of my friends.