Reading blogs,
looking at pictures.
Longing for changing my life.

Many things draw my aspiration,
though it’s hard to keep track of what really matters
and put aside what people have to say, those opinions lacking credibility.

To be real, to live logical, and accept what puts food on the table
To be a dreamer, living in a world of uncertainty and likeliness of failure

The answer is simple in writing but harder in application.
I know I’ve written this entry time and time again in different forms,
but I need a little reaffirmation in these trying times.

Almost one year passed, and it seems like it’s been a bit wasted.

If I ever lose it: here are the lyrics.
Yano Maki 矢野真紀 – 君のことばかり

問題といえば君のことばかり
mondai toieba kimi nokotobakari
心なでて、つねったりする君のことばかり
kokoro nadete , tsunettarisuru kimi nokotobakari
その眼差しは ねえ、無意識なの?
sono manazashi wa nee , muishiki nano ?
もしそうなら君は最高で最低
moshisounara kimi wa saikou de saitei

毎日 夜中の病院みたいよ
mainichi yonaka no byouin mitaiyo
たらいまわしと同じ感覚・・・・フラフラさ
taraimawashito onaji kankaku …. furafura sa

君の笑顔、たまの電話やキスはいまだ
kimi no egao , tamano denwa ya kisu waimada
優しさなのか同情なのか・・・・わからなくてもいいか
yasashi sananoka doujou nanoka …. wakaranakutemoiika

私が悩むのはわがままだから?
watashi ga nayamu nowawagamamadakara ?
同じ目線で諭せる人は誰?
onaji mesen de satose ru hito wa dare ?

気まぐれな君のその胸に決して
kimagure na kimi nosono mune ni kesshite
飛び込まないのは一抹のプライドさ
tobikoma nainowa ichimatsu no puraido sa

疑わしい君の笑顔やキスも結局
utagawa shii kun no egao ya kisu mo kekkyoku
永遠を信じない私には丁度よかったんだよね
eien wo shinji nai watashi niwa choudo yokattandayone

逃げても向き合っても どうせ傷つくんだ
nige temo muki atte mo douse kizutsu kunda
それなら本当は素直でありたいのに・・・・勇気がない
sorenara hontou wa sunao dearitainoni …. yuuki ganai

君の笑顔、たまの電話やキスはいまだ
kimi no egao , tamano denwa ya kisu waimada
優しさなのか同情なのか・・・・わからなくてもいいか
yasashi sananoka doujou nanoka …. wakaranakutemoiika

疑わしい君の笑顔やキスも結局
utagawa shii kimi no egao ya kisu mo kekkyoku
永遠を信じない私には丁度よかったんだよね
eien wo shinji nai watashi niwa choudo yokattandayone

Protected:

Two thoughts sum up Whistler this past MLK weekend:
01. Rejuvenated appreciation for America & Internationalism
02. Redefined frame of mind toward my age and younger kids

Overall, it was a fitting way to wrap up my last Whistler weekend.

Today was annoying as shit for several reasons:

– Boss made me work tomorrow on my day off.
– I was about to make a huge commission, then coworker gave it away for free.
– Felt guilty for haggling the price down of ramen
– Burned my tongue on that ramen
– Burned my arm while reaching for the spoon to eat that ramen
– Stained my pants from eating that ramen

…. why was today so annoying. I shouldn’t have gotten that ramen… fuck me.

Ok, took me a while to admit even to myself, I like being the center of attention.

ANOTHER EPIPHANY

Maybe I’m feeling frustrated at the fact that last year was literally a 12 month party, and now that things have settled down again – and I am able to concentrate on things that really matter – I’m just missing the luxuries of having a very social life.

Any way. Another night of me just chilling at home, not really in the mood to give people a call. Truth be told, it makes me feel really desperate to have to call people up all the time. So I won’t do it. I’d rather wallow at home than give in. Perhaps that’s a stupid way of going at it because it will just perpetuate more misery, but I’ll let me stubbornness win a few rounds.

I’m actually not even really that excited for College Weekend in Whistler. It’s definitely my last year going… but yeah. The weather forecast says the weather will suck. It’s going to be extremely extremely more than usual fratty this year because of the Olympics (yeah I know, I should have already expected that), and the company that I’m going with is …..aight. Some are quite blah. I’m going just for the sake of a vacation. I’ll try and make the best of what happens there, and in actuality, I think I could benefit from going a little buck wild once again for ol’ times sake haha.

I have a love-hate relationship w/ New Year’s Eve.
I ABHOR having to hunt for plans on the night of.
But I love leaving behind all the grudge of the past.

I feel like I have a skewed notion of friendship as I can’t bring myself to understand how a good relationship works. I find myself either expecting too much from one end and unwilling to let down my guard on the other. I either don’t trust or fear eventually being disappointed by those around me. My perception of friendship might be set on too high of a pedestal, but it seems like others around me have found company who keeps them happy.

Sure, I’ve met a lot of people in my day, but when I contemplate on it, who of those people can I really call upon in times of need? Who will call out to me when the roles reverse? I find myself merely ‘hanging out,’ ‘killing time,’ but not really enjoying or cherishing those who surround me. All in all, I haven’t met anyone who I could truly depend on as a friend by my definition in a very long time. Have I set my standards too high? Or do these people exist somewhere waiting for me to find them? Pity that I am writing another morose entry on the dawn of a new year, but it took this day among others for me to realize and cite these issues plaguing my conscience.

Overdue Update on My Life

I felt like a brisk morning blog, so here I am, not having anything particular to write about but wanting to write nonetheless. I realized that I haven’t written a proper entry in a while – what a shame. But then again, I haven’t had anything really meaningful happen in my life lately either. I wake up (late most of the time), go to work, come home, juggle whether I want to cook/watch TV/play video games, then go to sleep and repeat the cycle. I live an old man’s life.

Furthermore, no one really wants to hang out or do exotic things w/ me like try new foods, new bars, new lounges, new anything! I’m stuck in limbo here in the U.District and I’m totally ready to move on. I suppose it would all be easier if I had a car, but then again, maybe that would just add more nuances to my daily routine. ANY WAY.

Some noteworthy things coming up: Fulbright application status is revealed next month. Knowing my horrible luck…I’m already looking up regular teaching positions and will start applying next month as well. I’m also going to quit Yuen Lui at the end of February w/ a tentative move-back date in early April or the end of March. All I know is that I want to be in Seattle for the ASC Talent Show and for the last season of cherry blossoms. I’ll miss those suckers the most.

In the mean time, I’m trying to find meaningful things to pass the time. I took up more interest in cooking, but I’m still definitely not that good. I’ll need to invite people over to help teach me some dishes – else I keep burning things. On my days off I would also like to go out more and get out of this house. Perhaps I will take my laptop and chill at a cafe somewhere. Doing what? I don’t know, but at least it’s out of the house. When the weather gets better I should take up jogging again to get rid of a growing beer belly. Oh yeah, so I also quit drinking beer. I might have mentioned that in a previous entry. Lastly, I have developed an unhealthy habit of online shopping. Each month I keep spending and spending. Total waste of money.

Last, last thing: I’m going to start using the SUBJECT line for blogs now. Oh yeah, and Christmas sucked I spent it alone and got no presents, and New Years will probably be the same. WHAT THE FACK hahahaha. It sounds so sad to write, but yep, the truth.