The past weeks have been extremely rough, although I didn’t really let my face and attitude show it. Inside I was really struggling with my emotions and self-purpose. During the past week, I admittedly had to sit down and read Og Mandino’s The Greatest Salesman in the World, looking for an answer that might rid my depression.

I wish I would have read it sooner, but I can’t change yesterday with “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s.” But what the book got me to realize was that my heart lies elsewhere.

Yesterday I made my first sale, hit my top day of demos, and commit 14 hours to work. I thought I’d feel accomplished. Instead I felt apathetic: apathetic toward myself, my work, my town, and the families I had encountered that day – whether I loved or left them. That night I thought to myself in bed, “How much longer can I continue to lie to myself?”

What’s keeping me from leaving is the promises I have made to so many. To you, to my team, to the new friends I’ve made, to myself. But I’m driven to the point where I am devastating myself which will eventually end up hurting those around me. I have to go.

But through leaving, I regret the result of my actions on Eric the most. Being selected so early in the process, you’d figure that I knew what I was getting into. Perhaps I was enticed by the benefits but never really rationally thought about how serious this job actually is. Eric has been my student manager for a long time, and even living with him thus far makes it even harder. My betrayal to him is the ultimate shame that I know he will surpass, but I will always remember as the most pitiful aspect of my character. He has been, through my eyes, like a big brother. Yet I ask that he forgets me in order that everyone stays positive as a whole.

Og got me to realize that success comes from determination, purpose, and passion in your work. I lack all of the thereof. In actuality, I am a sheep in no position to enter the role of a shepherd. Og taught me not to make excuses: I won’t. I’m weak and have failed in my heart. It’s time to go home rather than waste the time and energy of those around me, trying to revive a bird that’s already been dead.

Although I’m leaving early, that does not mean I have not learned from this experience. There are countless examples but you’d already know them all. So think three good things about this situation: now it’s easier to find housing for two guys rather than three, the dinner bills will get smaller, and there will no longer be a beacon of negativity.

Lastly I apologize to you, Ron. I crossed that chord in your office with a foolish heart. I know my case is not unique. You’ve probably heard of situations like mine a thousand times before. The difference is that others have endured. I cannot for I am not ready.

But in leaving, I hope I’m not completely banned…
If allowed, perhaps when I have become mentally capable and mature enough, I’d be allowed to try again? As a first year stripped of any recognition that I might receive or any privilege that interns could possibly get, could I be allowed to reattempt? Not for anyone else but for me alone. If not, that’s okay. Whatever you decide is fine by me. Southwestern has already affect me so much.

Thank you yet sorry for your time.