I care so little about school right now.
Well, specifically, I care so little about my intl. studies class.

I will do everything in my power to put off my final paper!
Where did this new, lazy Paul come from? When and how was he grown n’ fed?!

Even after cutting back on activities and organizations, events still find their way to make my life a busy mess (yet exciting, don’t get me wrong). If next year promises to be even busier, then how am I ever going to cope and drudge through my final year of college. My grades will beyond a doubt begin to plummet…

FURTHERMORE

Why have I been wasting so much money lately? Every day I waste money on food. I suppose that’s what I should be wasting money on, but still, I feel bad for using up so much in so little time. I ought to be conservative and keep in mind that I will be traveling around the world again and that requires intense financial prepping. Instead, I squander money on event after event, bar after bar, luxury after luxury that will, in the end, just result in me complaining about it in blog entries such as this. I think I am going to have to take steps to moderate my spending…limit my cash on hand and the amount of credit card spending that I can do. Cut out events in my life that are not necessary, but then again, aren’t they all pretty damn necessary? I feel so screwed. Yes. Pretty royally screwed at the moment in every aspect that comes to school and money. Woe is me, I am totally embodying that state of being.

The construction has finally finished at my apartment, and I am finally able to see the sky. No longer do I live in a bubble, but my enjoyment for this will only be short-lived, considering how soon I’m moving – though not soon enough. Overall, I’ll miss this place and its environment.

Maaan I never thought I’d ever say that I want to cook my own food. I’m so tired of eating out, and I feel like my wallet is dying. The only reason I’m not cooking for myself already is that my kitchen in the present disgusts me. Soon, very soon I’ll be able to cook with leisure and not have to waste all my money on sit-downs restaurants.

Fall Quarter 2008:

Week of Hell:

Monday: get deposit to Lee&Lee Apartments ASAP!, try and get CIEE to count toward my minor, finalize marketing slides, study info systems hella + finish lab

Tuesday: marketing slides due by noon, mail out mother’s day present, info systems midterm, undergraduate business council, info systems group meeting, intl studies paper

Wednesday: read for intl studies, visual identity presentation in marketing, kims of comedy

Thursday: Bite of Asia all day, info systems presentation, intl studies finish paper

Friday: AKPsi bbq, intl. studies paper due

Saturday: TSA night market

…then…a break…looms around the corner. a breath of fresh air…at last?!
If this quarter were a story tale this week would surely be the climax.

I hate apartment shopping because no one ever returns my calls. How does anyone ever sign their leases w/o the managers calling you back about your inquiries?!

The only place I’ve found so far is perfect in every way. Except for that it’s 300 sq. ft. and the living room is combined w/ the kitchen. Then again, I don’t cook that much. Then again, the living room itself is slightly bigger than my current room right now.

I don’t know. If I can’t get a hold of anyone by next Wednesday, I’ll see if the Malloy apartment is still available. I hate having to settle, but you never know, I might grow to love the place.

Yesterday I went to Macaroni Grill in Alderwood, and as walked to my seat I passed by a familiar face. I had to do a double-take before I actually realized that it was the bush baby from American Idol: Kenneth Briggs! Apparently now he works as a waiter at Macaroni Grill. We asked our waitress, “Hey…did one of the waiters here audition for American Idol?” Then she replied, “Yes. Do you know which one?” “Yeah. We know. We know.” There didn’t need to be further elaboration so we both laughed and continued our business, but we just had to keep staring at him the entire night because it was just so awesome! Haha!

I’m caught in an crippling paradox. Whenever I drink and party I feel as if my life is draining away. I know that if I were to stop, I could achieve so much through my academics and career. A sober mind can get you far through concentration, focus, and determination. On the other hand, now that I have been sober for the past two weeks, I feel as if numb to my surroundings. To respect my mind and keep it healthy is important, but the social aspect of drinking is what brings me joy as well. Am I a failure in that I can’t achieve social success without alcohol? Am I judging myself too harshly considering that I am still young and expected to go through these phases? Overall, I have come to realize that I am never happy in any scenario for too long. I am too fickle, and that is something I will need to work on. If I can’t picture myself happy in either case for the long-run, this is what leaves me afraid. What will life be like in a few years when my career will be the only thing on my mind? When all those I have come to know move back to whereabouts the world they once came, I will be left alone once more to build my life from scratch – start a new chapter – once again similar to what I had to go through three years prior. Soon I will be moving out into my first single apartment, taking that first step toward true independence. Am I truly ready for this? Can anyone really ever be? The future is so uncertain. Yet I suppose I am over-analyzing things, freaking myself out. Perhaps this is also the result of being overly devoid of alcohol. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t (drink that is). Or maybe this entire complex is all just a part of the process of growing up.

Actually, I don’t know what I actually think or feel. As always this entry has been another roundabout rant with me spewing out a flow of consciousness. “Mental vomit” some would deem it. Nonetheless, it helps solidifying in words what chaotic anxiety my mind does conjure.

Per request of my mother, I have finally taken pictures of my apartment although it’s been nearly a year since I’ve lived here and might potentially be moving out in the coming months. Nonetheless, please enjoy!

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